9:03 p.m. Well, seeing as I completely SKIPPED writing in here yesterday, I suppose I should make up for it, shouldn't I? I just haven't been as motivated to write in my journal lately. Even in the event of journal worthy events...
To put it simply, my boring life SUCKS. Or maybe I'm writing less because I don't blow things out of proportion. But it doesn't really SEEM like I'm blowing this out of proportion any less... and what's with my spelling going straight to hell? (Editor's note: I had crossed out a bunch of things on this line) I forgot how to spell terrific the other day! I think it's these e's that make everything look mis-spelled.
Hey high school self dude, as a little reminder, you started writing your Es without closing the loop at the top of the letter, so it was kind of like a little uppercase E. You remember exactly why you did this. It was the same reason you started writing your 2s without loops in middle school -- you know, when you tried to make them look more like Brian Vander Ark's? You still don't put loops in your 2s. The good news, however, is that you no longer write your Es like Fred did. Yes, that's right. You managed to get a small writing sample from Fred in your pathetic little "Letters" notebook, where he wrote you the following:
"It's been fun in biology this year. Have a great time at Pearl Jam's concert. I wish I could go. Thanks for the tape of their b-songs."
You later added "referring to b-sides as b-songs" to your list of "Every dumb thing Fred has ever said." Did that make you like him less? No, because he was such a good person! Anyways, what were you saying, high school self?
Well, at around 1:30 today, I finished the damn Christmas cards. I wasn't really sick of making them, but towards the end ones I was running out of ideas & running out of stuff to use, as well. I mean, once I got done writing all the "notes"-- now THOSE were pain in the ass! I always know WHAT to say but HOW to say it is a totally different thing. It was sort of a relief; a lifted weight.
Do you remember that, high school self? You hand made 70 Christmas cards for all your "closest friends" -- this was just so it wouldn't look weird when you gave Fred his. You vowed you wouldn't do it again in 1999, but oh high school self, you made 120. What the hell was WRONG with you?!?!
Fred's was the last one. I didn't want to put something plain and simple like "Merry Christmas," I wanted to display my sense of humor, yet at the same time I didn't want to put anything too weird. I ended up with something fairly stupid like "What's on your 'Wishlist,'" hardy har har. My main fear concerning the card is that Fred will reject it, which I can TOTALLY see him doing. Personally if anyone GAVE me something, no matter how much I didn't want it, I'd keep it to be polite, and also because of the guilt I'd feel I guess. But like it kind of shocked me when he didn't accept the zine, or even when he didn't want Mary's senior picture, it surprised me -- it just seems a little out of the ordinary to outright REJECT things like that. I mean, I'd probably accept something from the world's biggest, smelliest loser if they were giving it to me. Is it just being polite or is it just being me? Who knows. So would that make HIM rude?
Last night I kinda had a weird dream.. like I met Starr or something.. and then I was at a coffee shop and I was scared or something because I wasn't with any friends and it was dark out and Adam was high or something.. it was my alternativeness haunting me.
What?! High school self, what are you talking about?! Oh yeah, you were being haunted by your Mustard Plug and Nine Inch Nails shirts. I get it now. This is so pathetic, high school self, because I know that this is exactly what it means.
A lot of my "sexual" fantasies currently involve Adam, especially since Mandy kissed him..at least they were both stoned or something. But he's just the center of these because lately he seems almost HAPPY to see me sometimes and he's not even stoned or doesn't want money.. well, he might be stoned, I don't know what to be looking for.. I saw him take those acid tabs right in front of me...
Good news, you find Adam on Myspace many years later and he's a total country boy, and you are done lusting over him. You know, a camo and guns type. That's right. Maybe he still gets stoned, who knows.
Maybe Fred's just devoid of emotion, or reject things because of his dad.. but the thing was is that his dad was sick for a while and he must've seen it coming, I guess.. but on the other hand, how could you ever "see" something like that "coming"?
High school self, did you notice you just rationalized Fred not accepting your zine by blaming it on his dad's sickness? You are such an IDIOT!
Maybe he's NOT devoid of emotion and it's just at school, or -- this certainly explains everything -- he's just always TIRED! I was talking to Teri about how I've invented his personality. Taking bits here and there and un-conciously making things up to fill in the gaps. Like I think, "How would he react to THIS," etc. etc. and the truth is I REALLY DONT KNOW! I can guess as much as I want but I REALLY DONT KNOW!!
Now you're cooking with gas!
I was thinking how disturbed he'd be if he read these little analyzations of him & stuff. Personally if someone analyzed about ME like this, and wrote about it everyday, I'd actually WANT to read it. I think it would be fascinating to discover how I am percieved and observed by the opposite sex.. to see how someone else might invent MY personality. I don't really KNOW if I'd find it disturbing or not; I guess I'd just be amazed that anyone could be that obsessed with a loser like ME..
Bad news, no one gets obsessed with you. Ever. This is a fact. A few people get crushes, but that's about it. You never get that satisfying moment where you say, "So and so is SO obsessed with me!" No. Oh wait--you do say it once, about your roommate's cat, when he meows at your door all the time after you introduce him to cat nip, which will make you a bigger loser than I thought. Also, you're way too obnoxiously open for anyone to ever have anything to analyze about you.
I think part of the reason I can't see Fred going for Sandy is that she always seemed kinda flaky to me, like a real surface type person I guess, lacking a certain depth. Sure, she was really nice and everything, just.. something wasn't there...
Dear high school self,
Don't worry, Sandy married some other guy, and she really wasn't more likely to get together with Fred anyways, seeing as she showed an ounce of interest in him. You still don't know what happened to Fred, since he's not on Facebook. I'm sure you'll find out eventually, you're creepy like that.
Love,
Future self
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