One for sorrow, two for joy.. three for girls, for for boys

6/5/99 Saturday
8:54 p.m Hmmm... I'm trying to give myself a reality check with this whole Counting Crows thing. So here are some of the worst scenarios/things that could go wrong:
1)Brendon's going out of town that weekend.
2)Brendon and Fred both come but are too preoccupied with some of their stupid pretty female friends.
3)Fred gets a girlfriend by then.
4)Fred gets a girlfriend by then AND she comes along.
5)Fred gets a girlfriend by then AND she comes along AND they make out the whole time.
6)BOTH Fred and Brendon get girlfriends by then and they're ALL making out with each other.
7)Brendon and/or Fred are under the influence of something.

Okay, that's enough of a reality check for me..but here's my "ideal evening"...we all go out to dinner together, we wait in line together, we sit together, I get to sit by Fred, the opening band doesn't suck, I'm not on my period, I'm not annoying at all and Fred tolerates me and even maybe begins to think of me in a positive light and everyone forgets that I'm in love with him, at least temporarily, and then afterwards we all eat somewhere together. THAT would be my ideal night.

I'm really not much different now, all my plans involve eating two meals that are barely two hours apart. Also, I was really obsessed with my period.

OH! and it would be nice if, by then, I've lost some weight and am finally wearing something cute and I finally have a flattering haircut. I must say that I have great expectations for this evening even though I probably shouldn't.. chances are we WON'T be sitting together and we WON'T eat together and Fred won't want to be anywhere near me.. but I can dream can't I?

We were perfect when we started, I've been wondering where we've gone...

Yesterday I felt like complete shit. I'm not really sure if all of this is going to help me get rid of my spare tire, help me lose 25 pounds and become a size 9/10, or most importantly make it so I stop breathing heavily when I just go up a flight of stairs, but it DOES make me feel like I'm actually doing something for once. I must admit that the idea of being a 9/10 gives me stars in my eyes, but I feel like an anorexic or something by saying that.. but I KNOW I'm not fat, I just need to tone up. And I think aspects of my personality need to "tone up" too...I'm telling you, my goal is to come back junior year a new person, inside and out. I don't know how likely that is, exactly, but I am certainly extremely motivated. And who knows, maybe junior year will finally be my first kiss.. it better be! I'll be fucking 17 years old by the end of it!

It's funny, high school self, because what a loser you were. I hate to break it to you, but you're first embarrassed by your grandmother, who says "Sweet 16 and never been kissed!" in front of one of your great aunts, and said great aunt doesn't believe it. Really?! A 16 year old who hasn't been kissed?! How outrageous!

You'll spend so much time and energy daydreaming about your first kiss, and this is how it will happen: with a nice enough guy who your friends think is kind of a douche, but not entirely; he will pull up a rolly chair next to you -- oh, I forgot to tell you, you will GRADUATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL and still have not have kissed anyone. I know, it's terrible, but don't worry, you'll kiss plenty of people eventually. So anyways, he'll pull up a rolly chair to you, tell you some story that's kind of nerdy and boring, and then say, "I bet you want to shut me up by shoving your tongue down my throat." And you'll kiss, just like that. And it will be weird. And one of your friends will pop in the room and throw a condom on the table and it will be so insanely awkward. But at least you've gotten it out of the way! And you only had to wait until age 18 and a 1/2 at that!

Really, though, he's a nice guy. As it turns out, he's in love with a girl that you later meet and think is awesome, and you'll feel rejected, but a few years later, he'll get a crush on you, and he's still a nice guy, but doesn't that feel good, to finally be the one with the upper hand?