Dear high school self,
Your journal entries are so long they take me forever to type. I've been working on Prom and it just goes on and on and on. I mean, it's interesting and all, just long. I will never transcribe, by the way, your 24.5 page entry about that time that Fred took pity on you enough to take you to the local pizza place, we'll call it Gollum's. The whole event was 40 minutes, including Fred picking you up, which means you basically transcribed the whole thing word for word.
I'm more confused about how the trip was so short since when you go to Gollum's a bunch of times in a few years, and they have the worst service EVER, no matter which location, so yeah, it's a miracle you apparently got in and out in 30 minutes. Oh, and you saved a pocket size version of their menu. You may have gotten rid of that, though -- Let me check. Yep, still there. Sorry, high school self, I'm tossing it, because for one, Gollum's still has the same freaking menu, 9 years later. Now that I'm thinking about it maybe I should keep it as an accurate current reference... you know what, no. No. I am not encouraging you, high school self! I don't care how functional this is now, it's going away!
So anyways, what was I telling you about? Oh yeah. A picture of Fred showed up in your Facebook feed. He's still not on Facebook, but apparently his friends are, and let me tell you, I don't see what you saw in him. Well, I suppose it was that he pitied you enough to dance with you four times at dances (you asked him every single time, FYI, but I'm sure I needn't remind you), that he pitied you enough to pick you up and drive you to get salads at that pizza joint.. and don't worry, high school self. You'll get over him. I'm not gonna lie, it's gonna be a rough road. You'll go to a couple of his soccer games in college, and wait till he chooses your college to be his Grad school! Oh, high school self, you'll be over him even by then, but you'll still shit yourself when you see him hop on the bus, and take a mental note of the fact it was by Lake Huron Drive, (by the supermarket, so maybe he lives over there), just because old habits die hard.
Anyways, you'll see Fred and his girlfriend, and you'll be happy for him, in that distant way, since you don't care a whole lot about Fred anymore.
But that doesn't mean I won't make fun of you a shit ton for liking Fred so much for those few years of high school. So don't think you're off the hook.
Love,
Future self
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Saturday, July 25, 2009
8/26/98 Wednesday
12:35 p.m. This is damn boring. I have Beowulf in my bag, that's what Jerome is reading, but geez, that's even MORE boring... Hmmm...
In English class we were talking about Cain and Abel in the book Beowulf, and Mrs. Mapletree said, "That's what I don't get about Christianity, one side is good, one side is bad" and it reminded me of the book "Ishmael" where they said Cain killed Abel and that was really some kind of Pagan influenced part of the story.. and how the story was really originated by the Leavers.. huh. That book really did affect me, even though I pretty much forgot about it after a couple days.
Yes, it's easy to be affected by things you forget about after a couple of days...and that's some edgy stuff there for your teacher to say she doesn't understand Christianity?! It's like college or something!
I said "Bless You" to Edna today, and then i was just like, whoa! I can't believe I just said that!
Good, I'm glad you're warming up to Edna. She doesn't deserve your total abhorrence.
Oh yes, next order of business...
7 YEAR BITCH BROKE UP!!!! NOVEMBER OF LAST YEAR!
I can't believe it... and in my PJ letter, I had said "7 Year Bitch, one of my favorite bands" and they're gonna think I'm a retard because they haven't been together for 8 months! 9 months actually, dammmit...
High school self,
If Pearl Jam is going to think you are a "retard," which by the way I'm glad you take that word almost entirely out of your vocabulary years later, it would be for that postcard you wrote them that started "Dear Numbnads" in 1995. I mean, did you read that?! You should, I reposted it here for you to see. Also, I'm very surprised you didn't mention Fred. I'm sure you patted yourself on the back for that at the time, so maybe I shouldn't have mentioned it. I don't understand how you ever became a successful human being sometimes, although the definition of "successful human being" is always up for debate.
Love,
Future self.
In English class we were talking about Cain and Abel in the book Beowulf, and Mrs. Mapletree said, "That's what I don't get about Christianity, one side is good, one side is bad" and it reminded me of the book "Ishmael" where they said Cain killed Abel and that was really some kind of Pagan influenced part of the story.. and how the story was really originated by the Leavers.. huh. That book really did affect me, even though I pretty much forgot about it after a couple days.
Yes, it's easy to be affected by things you forget about after a couple of days...and that's some edgy stuff there for your teacher to say she doesn't understand Christianity?! It's like college or something!
I said "Bless You" to Edna today, and then i was just like, whoa! I can't believe I just said that!
Good, I'm glad you're warming up to Edna. She doesn't deserve your total abhorrence.
Oh yes, next order of business...
7 YEAR BITCH BROKE UP!!!! NOVEMBER OF LAST YEAR!
I can't believe it... and in my PJ letter, I had said "7 Year Bitch, one of my favorite bands" and they're gonna think I'm a retard because they haven't been together for 8 months! 9 months actually, dammmit...
High school self,
If Pearl Jam is going to think you are a "retard," which by the way I'm glad you take that word almost entirely out of your vocabulary years later, it would be for that postcard you wrote them that started "Dear Numbnads" in 1995. I mean, did you read that?! You should, I reposted it here for you to see. Also, I'm very surprised you didn't mention Fred. I'm sure you patted yourself on the back for that at the time, so maybe I shouldn't have mentioned it. I don't understand how you ever became a successful human being sometimes, although the definition of "successful human being" is always up for debate.
Love,
Future self.
8/24/98 Monday
DAH! I can't do laundry, no quarters. Damn.
Today was the first day of sophomore year. As always, a very different experience. A rundown:
1st hour: Chemistry. (High school self, you listed a bunch of names here, and at the beginning of each class, some of whom you don't even remember, so for each hour, we will leave them out unless it's important), preppies. BLAGH Abraham. Dave sits behind me, one of these days we will have to get a convo going about the Verve Pipe or something. We're allowed to drink pop! But I got worried when he said that Biology was pretty straight forward and that this stuff would be MORE FUCKING DIFFICULT. Aaargh. I had an awful time in biology, it was hell...
Good news, that Abraham guy you are blarghing, thanks to the alphabet, will be sitting next to you in class, be your lab partner, and also the only reason you get a B in that class, which becomes very clear to you when you take CHM 109 in college and get a D. So quit blarghing Abraham. Yeah, he was a "preppy," but really, he's not that bad.
2nd Hour. Honors English. (People list), some new kids, and a shitload of preps. Jack, Kathryn, June (semi), TOO MANY PREPS!...I feel alienated. If she gives us a seating chart, THAT will be hell.
3rd Hour. F.S.T. (People list), some preppy juniors ( :( ), blah blah. The teacher rocks! I don't know.. indifference.
4th Hour. Spanish. Jackie.. semi-prep bitches, mostly, a couple of intriguing guys whose music tastes I would enjoy finding out/converting, I'm not sure about the teacher yet...
High school self -- okay, why do you hate "preppies" so much?! Don't worry, you will try so hard with your passion for Fred to suck up to all of them, that your journal entries will become far less laden with complaining about "preppy bitches" in all of your classes. And guys whose music tastes you would enjoy finding out?! What? Is that some kind of... classification? I don't understand you, high school self, and I used to BE you. Also, the teacher is so awesome, you're Facebook friends with her in 2009. So quit being so whiny.
5th Hour [Journalism]. Gotta get it switched.. hmm. I don't think I'm missing anything, no cute guys. Mr. Polish to Jason: "Are you the artist?" Heh heh.. I need to get it switched, dammit. I was planning on getting it switched to Psych.. Laura's class, and FRED's in it! Of course, Fred said he'd get it switched, but I don't know if he did it yet.
6th Hour . Journalism 2. Same old people, plus Jerome. Hmmm...
7th Hour Social Studies. Jackie, lots of lame people.. Looks like a really lame class. No clock! I won't be able to stand it!
Other musings: Adam's hair is black, and he was wearing a TOOL shirt. He almost fulfilled my prophecy: "You'll come back to school with bleached hair, a tattoo, piercings, and a NOFX shirt."
Um, yes, Tool, just like NOFX. Also, High school self, I already told you, he's a country boy now, so this whole point is moot.
I HATE EDNA. She was wearing a slutty shirt. Stupid bitch. I suppose I should fill up this page so she doesn't see me calling her a FUCKING BITCH! Aaargh... Oh, yes, I saw Malena's brother! Alternative, just like her. I should find.. lost train of thought.
1st - 1st Floor - Physics
2nd - 2nd Floor - English
3rd - 3rd Floor - Seminar
4th - 3rd Floor - FST
5th - Psych - 2nd Lunch
6th - 1st Floor - Science Room - Marketing (Business)
7th - 3rd Floor - French III
Dear high school self,
SPOILER ALERT! You end up flipping around your schedule by going to the counseling center and saying your current schedule makes you "depressed" just so that you can get into Pscyhology class with Fred. You are such a creep, by the way. Okay, I'll cut you a little slack, you were only supposed to be in Journalism 2 and never Journalism 1, so you DID need to transfer out of that class.. but then you switched into FST with Fred's class too. That schedule above? For a second rereading it, I thought that it was what you hoped to change your schedule into, but it was obviously Fred's schedule since you would never, ever, ever take Physics. Wait, I remember now, you switch into Psych very early on, but THEN later on in the SEMESTER you say you're depressed and switch around your entire schedule, so I take back what I said about cutting you some slack.
Also, you wrote some creepy ass phone numbers after this entry. I KNOW what those are... you weirdass. And are those social security numbers?! You know what, high school self? I'm not going to ask. I think I'm better off not knowing.
And quit being so hard on Edna. When your college roommate's best friend Mia from high school joins a sorority with her and they become best friends, and Mia asks Edna if she knows you, she says, "Oh, yeah, she was nice.. weird, but nice." I mean, come on. You WERE weird, and you deserved that, and she still mentioned that you were nice! And you'll even be friends on Facebook, and you'll run into her at the mall of the new hometown you both share, and it will only be sort of awkward when you say hi.
Love,
Future Self
Today was the first day of sophomore year. As always, a very different experience. A rundown:
1st hour: Chemistry. (High school self, you listed a bunch of names here, and at the beginning of each class, some of whom you don't even remember, so for each hour, we will leave them out unless it's important), preppies. BLAGH Abraham. Dave sits behind me, one of these days we will have to get a convo going about the Verve Pipe or something. We're allowed to drink pop! But I got worried when he said that Biology was pretty straight forward and that this stuff would be MORE FUCKING DIFFICULT. Aaargh. I had an awful time in biology, it was hell...
Good news, that Abraham guy you are blarghing, thanks to the alphabet, will be sitting next to you in class, be your lab partner, and also the only reason you get a B in that class, which becomes very clear to you when you take CHM 109 in college and get a D. So quit blarghing Abraham. Yeah, he was a "preppy," but really, he's not that bad.
2nd Hour. Honors English. (People list), some new kids, and a shitload of preps. Jack, Kathryn, June (semi), TOO MANY PREPS!...I feel alienated. If she gives us a seating chart, THAT will be hell.
3rd Hour. F.S.T. (People list), some preppy juniors ( :( ), blah blah. The teacher rocks! I don't know.. indifference.
4th Hour. Spanish. Jackie.. semi-prep bitches, mostly, a couple of intriguing guys whose music tastes I would enjoy finding out/converting, I'm not sure about the teacher yet...
High school self -- okay, why do you hate "preppies" so much?! Don't worry, you will try so hard with your passion for Fred to suck up to all of them, that your journal entries will become far less laden with complaining about "preppy bitches" in all of your classes. And guys whose music tastes you would enjoy finding out?! What? Is that some kind of... classification? I don't understand you, high school self, and I used to BE you. Also, the teacher is so awesome, you're Facebook friends with her in 2009. So quit being so whiny.
5th Hour [Journalism]. Gotta get it switched.. hmm. I don't think I'm missing anything, no cute guys. Mr. Polish to Jason: "Are you the artist?" Heh heh.. I need to get it switched, dammit. I was planning on getting it switched to Psych.. Laura's class, and FRED's in it! Of course, Fred said he'd get it switched, but I don't know if he did it yet.
6th Hour . Journalism 2. Same old people, plus Jerome. Hmmm...
7th Hour Social Studies. Jackie, lots of lame people.. Looks like a really lame class. No clock! I won't be able to stand it!
Other musings: Adam's hair is black, and he was wearing a TOOL shirt. He almost fulfilled my prophecy: "You'll come back to school with bleached hair, a tattoo, piercings, and a NOFX shirt."
Um, yes, Tool, just like NOFX. Also, High school self, I already told you, he's a country boy now, so this whole point is moot.
I HATE EDNA. She was wearing a slutty shirt. Stupid bitch. I suppose I should fill up this page so she doesn't see me calling her a FUCKING BITCH! Aaargh... Oh, yes, I saw Malena's brother! Alternative, just like her. I should find.. lost train of thought.
1st - 1st Floor - Physics
2nd - 2nd Floor - English
3rd - 3rd Floor - Seminar
4th - 3rd Floor - FST
5th - Psych - 2nd Lunch
6th - 1st Floor - Science Room - Marketing (Business)
7th - 3rd Floor - French III
Dear high school self,
SPOILER ALERT! You end up flipping around your schedule by going to the counseling center and saying your current schedule makes you "depressed" just so that you can get into Pscyhology class with Fred. You are such a creep, by the way. Okay, I'll cut you a little slack, you were only supposed to be in Journalism 2 and never Journalism 1, so you DID need to transfer out of that class.. but then you switched into FST with Fred's class too. That schedule above? For a second rereading it, I thought that it was what you hoped to change your schedule into, but it was obviously Fred's schedule since you would never, ever, ever take Physics. Wait, I remember now, you switch into Psych very early on, but THEN later on in the SEMESTER you say you're depressed and switch around your entire schedule, so I take back what I said about cutting you some slack.
Also, you wrote some creepy ass phone numbers after this entry. I KNOW what those are... you weirdass. And are those social security numbers?! You know what, high school self? I'm not going to ask. I think I'm better off not knowing.
And quit being so hard on Edna. When your college roommate's best friend Mia from high school joins a sorority with her and they become best friends, and Mia asks Edna if she knows you, she says, "Oh, yeah, she was nice.. weird, but nice." I mean, come on. You WERE weird, and you deserved that, and she still mentioned that you were nice! And you'll even be friends on Facebook, and you'll run into her at the mall of the new hometown you both share, and it will only be sort of awkward when you say hi.
Love,
Future Self
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
This is cheating a bit but I need a break from this high school lameness
9/4/91
Boy, do we seem to have a lot of work in 3rd grade.
9/17/91
Yesterday when the light went the lights went out and then the clock stops
10/9/91
Today we have gym. Yuck! It was cross country. Cross Country Makes My legs hurt.
10/17/91
The best thing about Mrs. Trindle is she is nice. She talks about hanging us by our toenails, but she never did, yet. We made spooky shadows.
10/31/91
It's finally here! Yeah! It's halloween. I know I keep saying I'm going to be a princess, or cowgirl, or frankenstein, but I'm really a cheerleader. I have tons of makeup. My mom doesn't use anything of the makeup except (that's a spelling word this week) for the eye shadow. I'm wearing knee socks with it and a skirt with 2 pom poms.
11/4/91
When the snow started freezing I almost froze. It was ccccold. COLD?! It was freezing!! Brrrrr! I didn't have any boots either. Snow in early November. Man! I hope it's not as cold tomorrow. Well, it will probably be colder tomorrow.
1/14/92
What would you do if you were invisible?
I would go to school. I'd carry my book bag on the bus. "AAAhh!" the bus driver would shout. When get off the bus I'd scare the teacher. A simple "BOO!" would probably do it. "AAAAH!" from the teacher. She'd run out of the room. She'd tell the principal and he would say 'really?' The teacher would take him to the room and I'd be sitting at my desk.
1/16/92
Would you want a possession or an experience?
I would want a great new possesion. It would be more fun than an experience to cherish. When would the experience happen? Once I was on a rollercoaster and my glasses almost fell off. It was scary. Chris says it's boring.
2/12/92
Games and food. They make a good party. NO food, NO party. NO games, a party gets boring. They have to be good, I mean VERY good food and games.
2/20/92
Well, I haven't done anything really brave. Maybe when I jumped off a cliff. Just KIDDING. Ha! You believe me? Didn't think so.
3/12/92
I would choose most attractive. I'm already smart.
Boy, do we seem to have a lot of work in 3rd grade.
9/17/91
Yesterday when the light went the lights went out and then the clock stops
10/9/91
Today we have gym. Yuck! It was cross country. Cross Country Makes My legs hurt.
10/17/91
The best thing about Mrs. Trindle is she is nice. She talks about hanging us by our toenails, but she never did, yet. We made spooky shadows.
10/31/91
It's finally here! Yeah! It's halloween. I know I keep saying I'm going to be a princess, or cowgirl, or frankenstein, but I'm really a cheerleader. I have tons of makeup. My mom doesn't use anything of the makeup except (that's a spelling word this week) for the eye shadow. I'm wearing knee socks with it and a skirt with 2 pom poms.
11/4/91
When the snow started freezing I almost froze. It was ccccold. COLD?! It was freezing!! Brrrrr! I didn't have any boots either. Snow in early November. Man! I hope it's not as cold tomorrow. Well, it will probably be colder tomorrow.
1/14/92
What would you do if you were invisible?
I would go to school. I'd carry my book bag on the bus. "AAAhh!" the bus driver would shout. When get off the bus I'd scare the teacher. A simple "BOO!" would probably do it. "AAAAH!" from the teacher. She'd run out of the room. She'd tell the principal and he would say 'really?' The teacher would take him to the room and I'd be sitting at my desk.
1/16/92
Would you want a possession or an experience?
I would want a great new possesion. It would be more fun than an experience to cherish. When would the experience happen? Once I was on a rollercoaster and my glasses almost fell off. It was scary. Chris says it's boring.
2/12/92
Games and food. They make a good party. NO food, NO party. NO games, a party gets boring. They have to be good, I mean VERY good food and games.
2/20/92
Well, I haven't done anything really brave. Maybe when I jumped off a cliff. Just KIDDING. Ha! You believe me? Didn't think so.
3/12/92
I would choose most attractive. I'm already smart.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
12/13/98 Sunday
9:03 p.m. Well, seeing as I completely SKIPPED writing in here yesterday, I suppose I should make up for it, shouldn't I? I just haven't been as motivated to write in my journal lately. Even in the event of journal worthy events...
To put it simply, my boring life SUCKS. Or maybe I'm writing less because I don't blow things out of proportion. But it doesn't really SEEM like I'm blowing this out of proportion any less... and what's with my spelling going straight to hell? (Editor's note: I had crossed out a bunch of things on this line) I forgot how to spell terrific the other day! I think it's these e's that make everything look mis-spelled.
Hey high school self dude, as a little reminder, you started writing your Es without closing the loop at the top of the letter, so it was kind of like a little uppercase E. You remember exactly why you did this. It was the same reason you started writing your 2s without loops in middle school -- you know, when you tried to make them look more like Brian Vander Ark's? You still don't put loops in your 2s. The good news, however, is that you no longer write your Es like Fred did. Yes, that's right. You managed to get a small writing sample from Fred in your pathetic little "Letters" notebook, where he wrote you the following:
"It's been fun in biology this year. Have a great time at Pearl Jam's concert. I wish I could go. Thanks for the tape of their b-songs."
You later added "referring to b-sides as b-songs" to your list of "Every dumb thing Fred has ever said." Did that make you like him less? No, because he was such a good person! Anyways, what were you saying, high school self?
Well, at around 1:30 today, I finished the damn Christmas cards. I wasn't really sick of making them, but towards the end ones I was running out of ideas & running out of stuff to use, as well. I mean, once I got done writing all the "notes"-- now THOSE were pain in the ass! I always know WHAT to say but HOW to say it is a totally different thing. It was sort of a relief; a lifted weight.
Do you remember that, high school self? You hand made 70 Christmas cards for all your "closest friends" -- this was just so it wouldn't look weird when you gave Fred his. You vowed you wouldn't do it again in 1999, but oh high school self, you made 120. What the hell was WRONG with you?!?!
Fred's was the last one. I didn't want to put something plain and simple like "Merry Christmas," I wanted to display my sense of humor, yet at the same time I didn't want to put anything too weird. I ended up with something fairly stupid like "What's on your 'Wishlist,'" hardy har har. My main fear concerning the card is that Fred will reject it, which I can TOTALLY see him doing. Personally if anyone GAVE me something, no matter how much I didn't want it, I'd keep it to be polite, and also because of the guilt I'd feel I guess. But like it kind of shocked me when he didn't accept the zine, or even when he didn't want Mary's senior picture, it surprised me -- it just seems a little out of the ordinary to outright REJECT things like that. I mean, I'd probably accept something from the world's biggest, smelliest loser if they were giving it to me. Is it just being polite or is it just being me? Who knows. So would that make HIM rude?
Last night I kinda had a weird dream.. like I met Starr or something.. and then I was at a coffee shop and I was scared or something because I wasn't with any friends and it was dark out and Adam was high or something.. it was my alternativeness haunting me.
What?! High school self, what are you talking about?! Oh yeah, you were being haunted by your Mustard Plug and Nine Inch Nails shirts. I get it now. This is so pathetic, high school self, because I know that this is exactly what it means.
A lot of my "sexual" fantasies currently involve Adam, especially since Mandy kissed him..at least they were both stoned or something. But he's just the center of these because lately he seems almost HAPPY to see me sometimes and he's not even stoned or doesn't want money.. well, he might be stoned, I don't know what to be looking for.. I saw him take those acid tabs right in front of me...
Good news, you find Adam on Myspace many years later and he's a total country boy, and you are done lusting over him. You know, a camo and guns type. That's right. Maybe he still gets stoned, who knows.
Maybe Fred's just devoid of emotion, or reject things because of his dad.. but the thing was is that his dad was sick for a while and he must've seen it coming, I guess.. but on the other hand, how could you ever "see" something like that "coming"?
High school self, did you notice you just rationalized Fred not accepting your zine by blaming it on his dad's sickness? You are such an IDIOT!
Maybe he's NOT devoid of emotion and it's just at school, or -- this certainly explains everything -- he's just always TIRED! I was talking to Teri about how I've invented his personality. Taking bits here and there and un-conciously making things up to fill in the gaps. Like I think, "How would he react to THIS," etc. etc. and the truth is I REALLY DONT KNOW! I can guess as much as I want but I REALLY DONT KNOW!!
Now you're cooking with gas!
I was thinking how disturbed he'd be if he read these little analyzations of him & stuff. Personally if someone analyzed about ME like this, and wrote about it everyday, I'd actually WANT to read it. I think it would be fascinating to discover how I am percieved and observed by the opposite sex.. to see how someone else might invent MY personality. I don't really KNOW if I'd find it disturbing or not; I guess I'd just be amazed that anyone could be that obsessed with a loser like ME..
Bad news, no one gets obsessed with you. Ever. This is a fact. A few people get crushes, but that's about it. You never get that satisfying moment where you say, "So and so is SO obsessed with me!" No. Oh wait--you do say it once, about your roommate's cat, when he meows at your door all the time after you introduce him to cat nip, which will make you a bigger loser than I thought. Also, you're way too obnoxiously open for anyone to ever have anything to analyze about you.
I think part of the reason I can't see Fred going for Sandy is that she always seemed kinda flaky to me, like a real surface type person I guess, lacking a certain depth. Sure, she was really nice and everything, just.. something wasn't there...
Dear high school self,
Don't worry, Sandy married some other guy, and she really wasn't more likely to get together with Fred anyways, seeing as she showed an ounce of interest in him. You still don't know what happened to Fred, since he's not on Facebook. I'm sure you'll find out eventually, you're creepy like that.
Love,
Future self
To put it simply, my boring life SUCKS. Or maybe I'm writing less because I don't blow things out of proportion. But it doesn't really SEEM like I'm blowing this out of proportion any less... and what's with my spelling going straight to hell? (Editor's note: I had crossed out a bunch of things on this line) I forgot how to spell terrific the other day! I think it's these e's that make everything look mis-spelled.
Hey high school self dude, as a little reminder, you started writing your Es without closing the loop at the top of the letter, so it was kind of like a little uppercase E. You remember exactly why you did this. It was the same reason you started writing your 2s without loops in middle school -- you know, when you tried to make them look more like Brian Vander Ark's? You still don't put loops in your 2s. The good news, however, is that you no longer write your Es like Fred did. Yes, that's right. You managed to get a small writing sample from Fred in your pathetic little "Letters" notebook, where he wrote you the following:
"It's been fun in biology this year. Have a great time at Pearl Jam's concert. I wish I could go. Thanks for the tape of their b-songs."
You later added "referring to b-sides as b-songs" to your list of "Every dumb thing Fred has ever said." Did that make you like him less? No, because he was such a good person! Anyways, what were you saying, high school self?
Well, at around 1:30 today, I finished the damn Christmas cards. I wasn't really sick of making them, but towards the end ones I was running out of ideas & running out of stuff to use, as well. I mean, once I got done writing all the "notes"-- now THOSE were pain in the ass! I always know WHAT to say but HOW to say it is a totally different thing. It was sort of a relief; a lifted weight.
Do you remember that, high school self? You hand made 70 Christmas cards for all your "closest friends" -- this was just so it wouldn't look weird when you gave Fred his. You vowed you wouldn't do it again in 1999, but oh high school self, you made 120. What the hell was WRONG with you?!?!
Fred's was the last one. I didn't want to put something plain and simple like "Merry Christmas," I wanted to display my sense of humor, yet at the same time I didn't want to put anything too weird. I ended up with something fairly stupid like "What's on your 'Wishlist,'" hardy har har. My main fear concerning the card is that Fred will reject it, which I can TOTALLY see him doing. Personally if anyone GAVE me something, no matter how much I didn't want it, I'd keep it to be polite, and also because of the guilt I'd feel I guess. But like it kind of shocked me when he didn't accept the zine, or even when he didn't want Mary's senior picture, it surprised me -- it just seems a little out of the ordinary to outright REJECT things like that. I mean, I'd probably accept something from the world's biggest, smelliest loser if they were giving it to me. Is it just being polite or is it just being me? Who knows. So would that make HIM rude?
Last night I kinda had a weird dream.. like I met Starr or something.. and then I was at a coffee shop and I was scared or something because I wasn't with any friends and it was dark out and Adam was high or something.. it was my alternativeness haunting me.
What?! High school self, what are you talking about?! Oh yeah, you were being haunted by your Mustard Plug and Nine Inch Nails shirts. I get it now. This is so pathetic, high school self, because I know that this is exactly what it means.
A lot of my "sexual" fantasies currently involve Adam, especially since Mandy kissed him..at least they were both stoned or something. But he's just the center of these because lately he seems almost HAPPY to see me sometimes and he's not even stoned or doesn't want money.. well, he might be stoned, I don't know what to be looking for.. I saw him take those acid tabs right in front of me...
Good news, you find Adam on Myspace many years later and he's a total country boy, and you are done lusting over him. You know, a camo and guns type. That's right. Maybe he still gets stoned, who knows.
Maybe Fred's just devoid of emotion, or reject things because of his dad.. but the thing was is that his dad was sick for a while and he must've seen it coming, I guess.. but on the other hand, how could you ever "see" something like that "coming"?
High school self, did you notice you just rationalized Fred not accepting your zine by blaming it on his dad's sickness? You are such an IDIOT!
Maybe he's NOT devoid of emotion and it's just at school, or -- this certainly explains everything -- he's just always TIRED! I was talking to Teri about how I've invented his personality. Taking bits here and there and un-conciously making things up to fill in the gaps. Like I think, "How would he react to THIS," etc. etc. and the truth is I REALLY DONT KNOW! I can guess as much as I want but I REALLY DONT KNOW!!
Now you're cooking with gas!
I was thinking how disturbed he'd be if he read these little analyzations of him & stuff. Personally if someone analyzed about ME like this, and wrote about it everyday, I'd actually WANT to read it. I think it would be fascinating to discover how I am percieved and observed by the opposite sex.. to see how someone else might invent MY personality. I don't really KNOW if I'd find it disturbing or not; I guess I'd just be amazed that anyone could be that obsessed with a loser like ME..
Bad news, no one gets obsessed with you. Ever. This is a fact. A few people get crushes, but that's about it. You never get that satisfying moment where you say, "So and so is SO obsessed with me!" No. Oh wait--you do say it once, about your roommate's cat, when he meows at your door all the time after you introduce him to cat nip, which will make you a bigger loser than I thought. Also, you're way too obnoxiously open for anyone to ever have anything to analyze about you.
I think part of the reason I can't see Fred going for Sandy is that she always seemed kinda flaky to me, like a real surface type person I guess, lacking a certain depth. Sure, she was really nice and everything, just.. something wasn't there...
Dear high school self,
Don't worry, Sandy married some other guy, and she really wasn't more likely to get together with Fred anyways, seeing as she showed an ounce of interest in him. You still don't know what happened to Fred, since he's not on Facebook. I'm sure you'll find out eventually, you're creepy like that.
Love,
Future self
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Circa 1998.. A lame attempt into essay writing
"Beth, now that we have this openness between us, now that we're friends, I have something to admit to you."
Alright, so this self described "aging slacker," this punk rock guy who hates my favorite band, has something he needs to get off his chest. I was expecting something huge: a Neil Diamond fascination? A secret Melrose Place addiction? A Hanson fetish?
"When Third Eye Blind comes on the radio, I don't change the station."
"Uh huh, and your point is?" I stared at him, confused, waiting for something more like, "..and I sing along," or, "..and I pull to the side of the road and start dancing," or something substantial.
Nothing. "Yeah, and..?"
"First, it was Semi-Charmed Life, and then Graduate, and How's It Gonna Be, and now this new one.." he faltered.
"Losing a Whole Year."
"Yeah." Uh huh, sure, oooh, big secret.
I countered that Third Eye Blind was a great band, but her referred to his newfound 3EB love as a "problem."
"That's a problem?" I fumed, and pointed to my cheek, nose and forehead, turned a grotesque bright red by the sun, that everyone else had been pointing at all day. "THIS is a problem!"
Dear high school self,
What a weak and irrelevant ending. I can't believe you got a degree in this crap.
Also, you'll understand exactly what he's talking about when you start to like a few Fall Out Boy songs ten years later. Also, how did you still manage to get another second degree sunburn in 2002? You're a dumbass who doesn't know how to use sunscreen.
Love,
Future self
Alright, so this self described "aging slacker," this punk rock guy who hates my favorite band, has something he needs to get off his chest. I was expecting something huge: a Neil Diamond fascination? A secret Melrose Place addiction? A Hanson fetish?
"When Third Eye Blind comes on the radio, I don't change the station."
"Uh huh, and your point is?" I stared at him, confused, waiting for something more like, "..and I sing along," or, "..and I pull to the side of the road and start dancing," or something substantial.
Nothing. "Yeah, and..?"
"First, it was Semi-Charmed Life, and then Graduate, and How's It Gonna Be, and now this new one.." he faltered.
"Losing a Whole Year."
"Yeah." Uh huh, sure, oooh, big secret.
I countered that Third Eye Blind was a great band, but her referred to his newfound 3EB love as a "problem."
"That's a problem?" I fumed, and pointed to my cheek, nose and forehead, turned a grotesque bright red by the sun, that everyone else had been pointing at all day. "THIS is a problem!"
Dear high school self,
What a weak and irrelevant ending. I can't believe you got a degree in this crap.
Also, you'll understand exactly what he's talking about when you start to like a few Fall Out Boy songs ten years later. Also, how did you still manage to get another second degree sunburn in 2002? You're a dumbass who doesn't know how to use sunscreen.
Love,
Future self
Letter to react magazine (trendy national newspaper supplement for teens), March 23, 1998
Comparing Sleater-Kinney to the Go-Go's is almost as insane as comparing Third Eye Blind to Dave Matthews Band (Jan 12-18 issue). I don't see the connection between Go-Go's, with synth-pop no-brainer ditties, and Sleater-Kinney, guitar punk with a seriously anit-mainstream pro-girl attitude. And Third Eye Blind is so far musically from Dave Matthews Band that I don't even see how they can be mentioned on the same page.
High School Self, 15
High School Self, 15
1/24/01 Wednesday
**My senior year, Fred had already graduated and left me no choice but to find other boys to pine over and hurt my hand scrawling about them into the wee hours of the night.. **
about 4:30 p.m. Well, today (as per usual) typified unexcitement. Um, let's see. I got ANOTHER email from Caesar, ha ha.. basically he says he'll DEFINITELY go to my party this year**, and he probably can't go Friday b/c of some ridiculous Math Center bowling whatever crapathon for Paws with a Cause.. sigh. Only he spelled it "Caws." Ha! He's not THAT brilliant! But this really foils my plan to ask him to the dance--ha!
Everything's just so funny to you, isn't it, high school self? I'm just glad LOL was invented yet at the time. Or at least, that you weren't familiar enough with the term to embarrass yourself with it.
Reminds me of Winterfest last year, Gabe not being there, but THEN being at my b-day party AND REJECTING ME! So hopefully, history won't repeat itself...
The rest of the day was whatever... 2nd hour Buzz caught me staring at him like twice, ha ha.. 5th hour Anna dropped by which was nice to see her.. photography was the usual.. after that, Patrina and I came back to school for Karaoke. I thought it was just fantastic when just about a quarter after two, Jasper came out of nowhere -- well, the student section -- after I'd been trying to figure out where he was FOREVER and then stands like 3 feet away from me by the door FOR NO REASON. I thought it was weird, like maybe he'd leave or something, but he didn't.
People standing, that is so weird, high school self. Also, in this part of the entry I talk about ten different people's karaoke songs, but I have no desire to make up fake names for all these people, and it's really not that interesting anyways.. I mean, high school self, you only even wrote one sentence about each song! Surely it wasn't THAT interesting! You even left out the whole controversy of the kid who said "dammit" in front of the whole school and got in trouble with the more conservative teachers at school!
Yeah, it really served no purpose for Jasper to stand by me!
You're STILL on this, Jasper standing thing? Ugh. Come on, high school self.
Except for the fact that he's IN LOVE with me!!
Um. Yeah. That's it. The scary part, high school self is that I can't tell if you're kidding or not, even knowing you as well as I do, although I will say that he was at least nicer to you than Fred ever was. Not that that says much.
Ha! Well, tonight's the hockey game and I REALLY hope I see one of the guys who'll show up shirtless! WHOO-HOO!!
9:36 pm Well, tonight was pretty cool.. we got to the hockey game and I just kept watching the door for shirtless boys, he heh. I got a little mad seeing people like Tom come in w/ their shirts on, but then I saw Mack and Jasper come in. Jasper had this small white shirt on with paint under the sleeves and I was like, YES! Then I saw a girl from my photography class, and then ANDRES sat in FRONT of her!!
(Andres had graduated in the mythical "class of 2000," where I thought that everyone was a God.)
And I said, "This will be the best night of the year!" Well, I wasn't QUITE right, but hey, it was still fun.
I guess my main hormone attack was when Jasper took his vest off. I was like, Oh! Oh! the shirt's comin' next! and it reminded me of last year and Fred's soccer games, ha ha.. but anyway, I got annoyed, because I could tell he was taking off his shirt BUT someone was blocking my view. And THEN he put his vest back on! Aagh! But then we got a goal and some dumbass threw a dildo on the ice and anyone who might've become shirtless got kicked out. Of course I started at Jasper and he DOES have nice buff arms... aah. That guy is so great!
After that it was pretty much lamedom. I guess Damien through ANOTHER dildo on the ice and it was funny because Andres' roommate said "I did it!" and got kicked out, ha ha. Everyone gave him a standing ovation, it was great.
That was pretty much it as far as excitement goes; we won 5-2 and on the way home Ludacris was playing in the car and it was a fun night!
Dear high school self,
You never figured out if it was normal for people to throw dildoes on the ice. Oh, and to make chants and cheers about them. This will befuddle you for years to come. Sure it was funny, but oh high school self, it will look so dumb to you later on.
And you ended up seeing Jasper with his shirt off. He's a runner, not a football player, so it was nothing spectacular.
Love,
Future self.
** Your birthday isn't until MARCH!! What's WRONG with you??
about 4:30 p.m. Well, today (as per usual) typified unexcitement. Um, let's see. I got ANOTHER email from Caesar, ha ha.. basically he says he'll DEFINITELY go to my party this year**, and he probably can't go Friday b/c of some ridiculous Math Center bowling whatever crapathon for Paws with a Cause.. sigh. Only he spelled it "Caws." Ha! He's not THAT brilliant! But this really foils my plan to ask him to the dance--ha!
Everything's just so funny to you, isn't it, high school self? I'm just glad LOL was invented yet at the time. Or at least, that you weren't familiar enough with the term to embarrass yourself with it.
Reminds me of Winterfest last year, Gabe not being there, but THEN being at my b-day party AND REJECTING ME! So hopefully, history won't repeat itself...
The rest of the day was whatever... 2nd hour Buzz caught me staring at him like twice, ha ha.. 5th hour Anna dropped by which was nice to see her.. photography was the usual.. after that, Patrina and I came back to school for Karaoke. I thought it was just fantastic when just about a quarter after two, Jasper came out of nowhere -- well, the student section -- after I'd been trying to figure out where he was FOREVER and then stands like 3 feet away from me by the door FOR NO REASON. I thought it was weird, like maybe he'd leave or something, but he didn't.
People standing, that is so weird, high school self. Also, in this part of the entry I talk about ten different people's karaoke songs, but I have no desire to make up fake names for all these people, and it's really not that interesting anyways.. I mean, high school self, you only even wrote one sentence about each song! Surely it wasn't THAT interesting! You even left out the whole controversy of the kid who said "dammit" in front of the whole school and got in trouble with the more conservative teachers at school!
Yeah, it really served no purpose for Jasper to stand by me!
You're STILL on this, Jasper standing thing? Ugh. Come on, high school self.
Except for the fact that he's IN LOVE with me!!
Um. Yeah. That's it. The scary part, high school self is that I can't tell if you're kidding or not, even knowing you as well as I do, although I will say that he was at least nicer to you than Fred ever was. Not that that says much.
Ha! Well, tonight's the hockey game and I REALLY hope I see one of the guys who'll show up shirtless! WHOO-HOO!!
9:36 pm Well, tonight was pretty cool.. we got to the hockey game and I just kept watching the door for shirtless boys, he heh. I got a little mad seeing people like Tom come in w/ their shirts on, but then I saw Mack and Jasper come in. Jasper had this small white shirt on with paint under the sleeves and I was like, YES! Then I saw a girl from my photography class, and then ANDRES sat in FRONT of her!!
(Andres had graduated in the mythical "class of 2000," where I thought that everyone was a God.)
And I said, "This will be the best night of the year!" Well, I wasn't QUITE right, but hey, it was still fun.
I guess my main hormone attack was when Jasper took his vest off. I was like, Oh! Oh! the shirt's comin' next! and it reminded me of last year and Fred's soccer games, ha ha.. but anyway, I got annoyed, because I could tell he was taking off his shirt BUT someone was blocking my view. And THEN he put his vest back on! Aagh! But then we got a goal and some dumbass threw a dildo on the ice and anyone who might've become shirtless got kicked out. Of course I started at Jasper and he DOES have nice buff arms... aah. That guy is so great!
After that it was pretty much lamedom. I guess Damien through ANOTHER dildo on the ice and it was funny because Andres' roommate said "I did it!" and got kicked out, ha ha. Everyone gave him a standing ovation, it was great.
That was pretty much it as far as excitement goes; we won 5-2 and on the way home Ludacris was playing in the car and it was a fun night!
Dear high school self,
You never figured out if it was normal for people to throw dildoes on the ice. Oh, and to make chants and cheers about them. This will befuddle you for years to come. Sure it was funny, but oh high school self, it will look so dumb to you later on.
And you ended up seeing Jasper with his shirt off. He's a runner, not a football player, so it was nothing spectacular.
Love,
Future self.
** Your birthday isn't until MARCH!! What's WRONG with you??
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
I'm not a stalker! No, really!
7/15/98
I can't get this whole Job fiasco out of my head!! I was rereading the "Meet Job" thing and I mentioned in it how I saw him at the library, then Mustard Plug and Mayfest, and all of the sudden I'm STALKING him!! I fucking explained EVERYTHING in the fucking letter!! I said, "I'm not stalking you or anything, if you don't believe look out your window. See? I'm not there!" And I said I found his address in the fucking PHONE BOOK! And he brought up the fucking video! How'd he even FUCKING KNOW about that damn thing? And the close ups of his butt.. I WASN'T EVEN OPERATING THE FUCKING CAMERA!! AND IT WAS ALL PART OF THE FUCKING MAD BUTCHERS SHOW!!!
I'm so fucking hurt that he could think all of this! URGH!! And I'm so irate about the whole situation and I want to confront him but from personal experience that would only point the finger at me as being the stalker bitch... DAMN CATCH 22 SITUATION!!!!
High School Self:
This entry is so.. I just can't even address this letter to "dear" high school self.
So, you may remember that people constantly accused you of being a stalker, and that you would justify it by saying things like " I'm not stalking him, I was just accidentally at this guy's neighbor's house and ran into the back seat when his family's car pulled up.." Do you remember saying that in 6th grade? I know you do.
So high school self, I gotta be honest with you. In college you'll learn that stalking is repeated, unwanted contact, that often can be eliminated by just telling someone that you don't want them to talk to you anymore. I have to cut you a little slack, high school self.. I think this Job guy was the only one who ever OUTRIGHT told you not to bother him, so from a legal standpoint, he was the only one you stalked, although you did desist after this incident. I think. I don't remember, but hey, it's your consience sister.
Stalking, legally? No, but you're still creepy. Creepy as SHIT. I can't even understand how you think you can justify all of this to yourself. You can say it's your great memory -- although you won't even realize how painful this facet of yourself is until you have to hold back from reciting people's addresses that you saw a couple of times on facebook -- but you have to admit, you're creepy. Creepy as shit.
I'd like to tell you that you'll get over this, and you mostly do. You at least develop a sense of UNDERSTANDING. And most importantly, you completely stop keeping written catalogs of the clothing choices of every boy you like.
With love,
Future self.
I can't get this whole Job fiasco out of my head!! I was rereading the "Meet Job" thing and I mentioned in it how I saw him at the library, then Mustard Plug and Mayfest, and all of the sudden I'm STALKING him!! I fucking explained EVERYTHING in the fucking letter!! I said, "I'm not stalking you or anything, if you don't believe look out your window. See? I'm not there!" And I said I found his address in the fucking PHONE BOOK! And he brought up the fucking video! How'd he even FUCKING KNOW about that damn thing? And the close ups of his butt.. I WASN'T EVEN OPERATING THE FUCKING CAMERA!! AND IT WAS ALL PART OF THE FUCKING MAD BUTCHERS SHOW!!!
I'm so fucking hurt that he could think all of this! URGH!! And I'm so irate about the whole situation and I want to confront him but from personal experience that would only point the finger at me as being the stalker bitch... DAMN CATCH 22 SITUATION!!!!
High School Self:
This entry is so.. I just can't even address this letter to "dear" high school self.
So, you may remember that people constantly accused you of being a stalker, and that you would justify it by saying things like " I'm not stalking him, I was just accidentally at this guy's neighbor's house and ran into the back seat when his family's car pulled up.." Do you remember saying that in 6th grade? I know you do.
So high school self, I gotta be honest with you. In college you'll learn that stalking is repeated, unwanted contact, that often can be eliminated by just telling someone that you don't want them to talk to you anymore. I have to cut you a little slack, high school self.. I think this Job guy was the only one who ever OUTRIGHT told you not to bother him, so from a legal standpoint, he was the only one you stalked, although you did desist after this incident. I think. I don't remember, but hey, it's your consience sister.
Stalking, legally? No, but you're still creepy. Creepy as SHIT. I can't even understand how you think you can justify all of this to yourself. You can say it's your great memory -- although you won't even realize how painful this facet of yourself is until you have to hold back from reciting people's addresses that you saw a couple of times on facebook -- but you have to admit, you're creepy. Creepy as shit.
I'd like to tell you that you'll get over this, and you mostly do. You at least develop a sense of UNDERSTANDING. And most importantly, you completely stop keeping written catalogs of the clothing choices of every boy you like.
With love,
Future self.
The Following Was Sent on a Postcard with Courtney Love's face on it
5/15/95
Ten Club
P.O.B. 4570
Seattle, WA 98104
Dear People,
You numbnads! You suck! I send you a letter calmly explaining my problems with the club and you have the sheer never to send me a postcard asking me to become a member? Well I've got news for you -- I AM A MEMBER!!!!! I'm not even thinking of renewing until I get my Christmas 7".. "postponed"... 6 months?! Those fan club shows in Seattle made me pretty mad too.. people in Seattle get enough good stuff. But that LATE ticket info REALLY got me steamed! Not only do I not have a phone, but tickets always seem to go on sale Thursdays at 10:00 am or something.. WHEN I AM AT SCHOOL! On top of all that, when I called the info line - 3 seperate times - I got a message saying it was "disconnected." Your club is pretty ineffecient. I'll work for it if I can actually get things ON TIME for once!
Signed,
Beth
P.S. Thanks...
P.P.S. For nothing!
Dear middle school self,
Reading the text of this postcard will make you feel like a huge asshole for complaining when they give you a year's free membership and front row tickets to a show at the United Center in Chicago in 1998. And then subsequently you'll see them in the 4th, 2nd and 3rd rows at various other shows, so it's pretty good you weren't a total bitch and renewed your membership.
Oh, by the way, 14 years after this letter, you're still in the Ten Club. Most people kind of think you're a loser for it.
Love,
Future Self
Ten Club
P.O.B. 4570
Seattle, WA 98104
Dear People,
You numbnads! You suck! I send you a letter calmly explaining my problems with the club and you have the sheer never to send me a postcard asking me to become a member? Well I've got news for you -- I AM A MEMBER!!!!! I'm not even thinking of renewing until I get my Christmas 7".. "postponed"... 6 months?! Those fan club shows in Seattle made me pretty mad too.. people in Seattle get enough good stuff. But that LATE ticket info REALLY got me steamed! Not only do I not have a phone, but tickets always seem to go on sale Thursdays at 10:00 am or something.. WHEN I AM AT SCHOOL! On top of all that, when I called the info line - 3 seperate times - I got a message saying it was "disconnected." Your club is pretty ineffecient. I'll work for it if I can actually get things ON TIME for once!
Signed,
Beth
P.S. Thanks...
P.P.S. For nothing!
Dear middle school self,
Reading the text of this postcard will make you feel like a huge asshole for complaining when they give you a year's free membership and front row tickets to a show at the United Center in Chicago in 1998. And then subsequently you'll see them in the 4th, 2nd and 3rd rows at various other shows, so it's pretty good you weren't a total bitch and renewed your membership.
Oh, by the way, 14 years after this letter, you're still in the Ten Club. Most people kind of think you're a loser for it.
Love,
Future Self
Monday, June 22, 2009
This one truly stands on its own
12/8/97 9:33 p.m.
Aaaagh, FUCK JASON! Jason's so dumb. He's pissing me off. I NEVER thought he'd piss me off. Son of a bitch! Bastard! Die die die die JASON! Yawn. Gotta go to Saginaw. Exit 19 - take a right at the blinking yellow, past Dedra's donut house. Heh hehheh. Oh, I got off track. DIE JASON DIE! Asshole.
Aaaagh, FUCK JASON! Jason's so dumb. He's pissing me off. I NEVER thought he'd piss me off. Son of a bitch! Bastard! Die die die die JASON! Yawn. Gotta go to Saginaw. Exit 19 - take a right at the blinking yellow, past Dedra's donut house. Heh hehheh. Oh, I got off track. DIE JASON DIE! Asshole.
The Bachelor
10/19/97 5:17 p.m.
**Special note: This entry written before I included the day of the week of the entry consistently and neurotically)**
Ooooh Bobby! We just saw BOBBY at Tower Records! Ooh, Bobby! Okay, I will now relate to you BOBBY STORY #3 .. OOH BOBBY!
We're in East Lansing. I was pretty much psychotic and saw Donny's balding head in every car on the road. Well, we were heading back to Scott's house, and I'm like "We HAVE to go to Tower!" And Scott said he wanted to look at something, too. Cat & I disbanded, and, like I always do when I go into Tower (not that often), I instinctually and instantly went back to the music mags section. So I'm looking at the categories for the other mags, and Cat's walking ahead of me, and I look back at the zines, and what would you know -- BOBBY!!! I'm like, under my breath, "Cat, it's Bobby, it's Bobby!" We turn around in an immature fit of giggles and into the opposite direction. Needless to say, it was an endless comedy of errors, constantly running from Bobby.
Finally, Cat's mom says, "I'm leaving." So we walk out hesitantly. I made a motion with my hands and said, "Well, Cat, there's another opportunity you let slip through your fingers." Suddenly, as if catching a new confidence, she's like, "That's it. I'm talking to him." She went back in ahead of me, and goes in. She said, "Hey Bobby!" and waved at him. So, here's some random conversation bits:
Me: You know, I was on a field trip over here in Lansing and I saw your mom.
Bobby: Oh really? At the.. thing?
Me: Yeah.
Bobby: How'd you know she was my mom?
Me & Cat: Well, she had the same last name as you..
Me: And then she started talking about how her son had just signed a million dollar record contract and she was passing around a really bad picture of you...
Bobby: Yeah, it figures.
* * * *
Bobby: (Wearing light blue shirt, really weird polyester black pants, perfect white teeth)
Bobby: So, what are you guys doing in Lansing?
Cat: Visiting my brother.
Bobby: What's your brother doing around here?
Cat: He goes to school here.
Me: Actually, Cat called me up and she's like, "Hey Cat--"
Cat: Cat?
Me: "Aaaaah! Hey Beth, I heard that Bobby Guiney is gonna be at Tower Records in East Lansing at (Bobby and I both look at our watches) 4:50 p.m.
Yeah, we totally planned it.
Seriously, that line kind of makes me want to die inside a little bit. - Future self
Bobby: So, did you guys have a good time at the concert?
Me: Definitely.
Cat: Yeah, it was great -- I was almost crying during "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds," it was so good.
Bobby. Wow! Were you guys surprised when we came out?
Me: No.
Cat: I was...
Me: You know the girl who had the bracelet with "I <3>
Bobby: Yeah.
Me: Well, she thru it on stage, and Brad read it..
Cat: But Donny didn't see it.
Me: Yeah.
Bobby: Oh, That's Funny.
Me: Ya Know, I heard your song "Fortunate" and I listened to it, like, 50 times.
Bobby (confuzzled): Really? Where'd you hear it?
Me: Oh.. uh.. (I hadn't forgotten it, my mouth just couldn't form the words).. Radioactive.
Bobby: Oh. (Seemed bitter like they shouldn't have played it)
Cat: Well, we gotta go cause my mom's waiting outside. See you later.
I'm not sure when exactly it happened, but at one point Cat told Bobby "My mom thought you were gay." Little did she know he was married, but would later divorce her and go on a TV show and not find anyone until later on when he becomes an official B-list celebrity. Seriously, though, obviously he was one of the nicest people ever, as he talked to us for way longer than he needed to, and allow me to point out was far nicer to me than Fred EVER was, but maybe that's because I wasn't undressing him with my eyes on a daily basis. I digress.
**Special note: This entry written before I included the day of the week of the entry consistently and neurotically)**
Ooooh Bobby! We just saw BOBBY at Tower Records! Ooh, Bobby! Okay, I will now relate to you BOBBY STORY #3 .. OOH BOBBY!
We're in East Lansing. I was pretty much psychotic and saw Donny's balding head in every car on the road. Well, we were heading back to Scott's house, and I'm like "We HAVE to go to Tower!" And Scott said he wanted to look at something, too. Cat & I disbanded, and, like I always do when I go into Tower (not that often), I instinctually and instantly went back to the music mags section. So I'm looking at the categories for the other mags, and Cat's walking ahead of me, and I look back at the zines, and what would you know -- BOBBY!!! I'm like, under my breath, "Cat, it's Bobby, it's Bobby!" We turn around in an immature fit of giggles and into the opposite direction. Needless to say, it was an endless comedy of errors, constantly running from Bobby.
Finally, Cat's mom says, "I'm leaving." So we walk out hesitantly. I made a motion with my hands and said, "Well, Cat, there's another opportunity you let slip through your fingers." Suddenly, as if catching a new confidence, she's like, "That's it. I'm talking to him." She went back in ahead of me, and goes in. She said, "Hey Bobby!" and waved at him. So, here's some random conversation bits:
Me: You know, I was on a field trip over here in Lansing and I saw your mom.
Bobby: Oh really? At the.. thing?
Me: Yeah.
Bobby: How'd you know she was my mom?
Me & Cat: Well, she had the same last name as you..
Me: And then she started talking about how her son had just signed a million dollar record contract and she was passing around a really bad picture of you...
Bobby: Yeah, it figures.
* * * *
Bobby: (Wearing light blue shirt, really weird polyester black pants, perfect white teeth)
Bobby: So, what are you guys doing in Lansing?
Cat: Visiting my brother.
Bobby: What's your brother doing around here?
Cat: He goes to school here.
Me: Actually, Cat called me up and she's like, "Hey Cat--"
Cat: Cat?
Me: "Aaaaah! Hey Beth, I heard that Bobby Guiney is gonna be at Tower Records in East Lansing at (Bobby and I both look at our watches) 4:50 p.m.
Yeah, we totally planned it.
Seriously, that line kind of makes me want to die inside a little bit. - Future self
Bobby: So, did you guys have a good time at the concert?
Me: Definitely.
Cat: Yeah, it was great -- I was almost crying during "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds," it was so good.
Bobby. Wow! Were you guys surprised when we came out?
Me: No.
Cat: I was...
Me: You know the girl who had the bracelet with "I <3>
Bobby: Yeah.
Me: Well, she thru it on stage, and Brad read it..
Cat: But Donny didn't see it.
Me: Yeah.
Bobby: Oh, That's Funny.
Me: Ya Know, I heard your song "Fortunate" and I listened to it, like, 50 times.
Bobby (confuzzled): Really? Where'd you hear it?
Me: Oh.. uh.. (I hadn't forgotten it, my mouth just couldn't form the words).. Radioactive.
Bobby: Oh. (Seemed bitter like they shouldn't have played it)
Cat: Well, we gotta go cause my mom's waiting outside. See you later.
I'm not sure when exactly it happened, but at one point Cat told Bobby "My mom thought you were gay." Little did she know he was married, but would later divorce her and go on a TV show and not find anyone until later on when he becomes an official B-list celebrity. Seriously, though, obviously he was one of the nicest people ever, as he talked to us for way longer than he needed to, and allow me to point out was far nicer to me than Fred EVER was, but maybe that's because I wasn't undressing him with my eyes on a daily basis. I digress.
The Fateful Counting Crows Concert.. Abridged
7/18/99 Sunday 1:57 a.m.
This will take me FOREVER to write and I'm so SICK of writing but it must be written!
Editor's note: The original entry was 15 pages long. Can you believe that? 15 pages.
Well, first of all, I cut my nails short.
Seriously, HSS? Why did you feel compelled to keep a record of this? We're skipping this paragraph. Oh, you did it AFTER the show, so I guess you get into how "symbolic" this is later on. On page 15 or something. Good God.
I got in line @ 4:50. I felt so out of place -- I mean, I was alone, and a group of 6 was behind me, and the people in front of me were huge out-of-state Crows freaks. It wasn't so bad, time flew by quicker than I was expecting, and I was REALLY glad I had my tape player. I just couldn't EAT the food I had gotten at Walgreen's and when I watched the cars pass I felt dizzy, which was probably because I couldn't EAT! It was a Catch 22 situation.
Yes, being hungry but not being able to eat, how perplexing.
I had figured thought that I'd be alone until at least 6:30 -- nope. At about 5:50 or so guess who I see across the street: Brendon and Fred. I realized just how much I wasn't expecting this to happen and finally when they began to cross the street I sorta waved my arms. I wouldn't have guessed from their responses that I'd be spending most of the next 5 hours with 'em.
Ooops!! Spoiler alert!! OMG, FIVE HOURS!
Fred barely looked at me and Brendon glanced at me and looked away. I was sooo sure they'd just pretend they didn't see me and keep going. Amazingly, they didn't. But Brendon didn't say much more than "Hey, Beth" before he said "Where's Laura?" I said she had a family thing and he asked how long I'd been there, which I did.
Um, you did what? Tell him? INCORRECT SYNTAX! How'd you end up getting a college degree? Come on, HSS.
Fred and him exchanged mumbles (which I'm guessing were along the lines of "I hate her but she's DAMN close," and I told them that I was and had been alone and it would be great if they could join me. Then I said, " I know FRED doesn't want to sit by me."
This is one of those things that just makes me cringe, high school self. It's one of those things that I completely forget happened, and then there it is, in your own handwriting, staring me in the face, making me remember that you were such an awkward, gawky little asshole, high school self.
They exchanged mumbles again and I somewhat gleefully realized that they WOULD be joining me.
And clearly, completely willingly! They were just thrilled!
Brendon sat right next to me -- our legs were touching -- and Fred sat a couple feet away and sprawled out on the sidewalk. Fred would ask questions every now and then ("What's that Adam guy's last name?" "Duritz." He asked that one twice).
Brendon talked to ME more than he did Fred. He mentioned how he had heard Adam Duritz was an "ass" (which ended up being the running joke of the night) and that he went out with Courtney Cox. Fred said, "Didn't she marry that one guy?" **Most of Fred's conversation was relegated to questions** I said "David Arquette?" but mentioned how girls always want to date rock stars. Brendon said to Fred, "Does your cousin get the ladies?" He grunted and I asked who his cousin was.
He was the drummer for a popular band. We certainly don't need any identifying information here, do we?! So then Laura shows up, right high school self? And you reveal that you were bummed you wouldn't be alone with the guys, cause um, you know, it was going so well or something. Pages pass, you give Laura some pictures, etc.
Okay, anyway, Brendon loves "She's All That"..they went to get drinks and Fred got like a "Powerific" bottle and the powerade didn't come out when he tipped it upside down but Brendon's DIDN'T have a cool cap. Of course, it was 50 cents less..Fred started listing off his scars -- ' This one's from hockey, this one's from soccer.' What he said that was REALLY funny was "they better not suck!" He said if they played "10 Spot" he'd be happy.
You know, I think you wrote about this, high school self, because it really showcased Fred's sense of humor and personality. Between the grunts and asking questions over and over again that any person with any sense of pop culture would have already grasped, I mean, the powerade bottle! Watch him move it upside down! That's so crazy! Oh, and his scars, and THEY BETTER NOT SUCK! So witty! Also, how did you not notice that he said he hoped they'd play AN ENTIRE LIVE ALBUM (which was called "Live at the 10 Spot")?
I asked Laura if she caught the replay of the World Cup on ESPN and she apparently caught on for my pathetic ploy for Fred's attention and asked him (after telling me she'd only seen highlights) if he was a big World Cup fan. He responded with something that included the word "suck" and we were both like, WHAT?! Then he bitched about how they had incorrectly done a throw in.
Right, that's what everyone was talking about after women's soccer won the world cup in 1999, the incorrect throw in. Why did you like this guy?! So anyways, you're telling me about the show, and then three pages later...
Adam Duritz came out to introduce the opening band and said that he just wanted to hear cheering now. Brendon was like, "You're an ASS!" and Fred said, "Jerk!" It was so funny! Ha ha. Fred took a pee during one of the opening bands.. hmmm.
Yes, hmm. OMG! He's so like us! He goes to the bathroom.
OH! During the opening band the singer mentioned "Have you ever had a crush on somebody and they don't like you but you'll do anything to get them?" and I just felt REALLY uncomfortable cause it's like, the answer is yes and he's sitting one seat over. Fred totally got into the show; he was just staring at them usually, but he WAS tapping his foot, clapping, and a lot of times he was the first of us to stand up. When the house lights shone on the balcony, he had his arms up. It made me smile.
The show ended on what I considered to be a rather negative note; Brendon said "Gimme My Glasses," they left, that was it. I don't know, it left me with a bad taste in my mouth..
I told Laura how symbolic it was (see! you know we were getting to this symbolism, future self!) that of the nails I'd been "farming" for the show (wow, what a gross term), two were broken at the end. When I got home I took all the polish off and cut them short. I feel like I don't know what I am anymore.
Dear high school self,
You'll never know what you are. But you won't be quite as fucking dramatic about in the future.
Love,
Beth
This will take me FOREVER to write and I'm so SICK of writing but it must be written!
Editor's note: The original entry was 15 pages long. Can you believe that? 15 pages.
Well, first of all, I cut my nails short.
Seriously, HSS? Why did you feel compelled to keep a record of this? We're skipping this paragraph. Oh, you did it AFTER the show, so I guess you get into how "symbolic" this is later on. On page 15 or something. Good God.
I got in line @ 4:50. I felt so out of place -- I mean, I was alone, and a group of 6 was behind me, and the people in front of me were huge out-of-state Crows freaks. It wasn't so bad, time flew by quicker than I was expecting, and I was REALLY glad I had my tape player. I just couldn't EAT the food I had gotten at Walgreen's and when I watched the cars pass I felt dizzy, which was probably because I couldn't EAT! It was a Catch 22 situation.
Yes, being hungry but not being able to eat, how perplexing.
I had figured thought that I'd be alone until at least 6:30 -- nope. At about 5:50 or so guess who I see across the street: Brendon and Fred. I realized just how much I wasn't expecting this to happen and finally when they began to cross the street I sorta waved my arms. I wouldn't have guessed from their responses that I'd be spending most of the next 5 hours with 'em.
Ooops!! Spoiler alert!! OMG, FIVE HOURS!
Fred barely looked at me and Brendon glanced at me and looked away. I was sooo sure they'd just pretend they didn't see me and keep going. Amazingly, they didn't. But Brendon didn't say much more than "Hey, Beth" before he said "Where's Laura?" I said she had a family thing and he asked how long I'd been there, which I did.
Um, you did what? Tell him? INCORRECT SYNTAX! How'd you end up getting a college degree? Come on, HSS.
Fred and him exchanged mumbles (which I'm guessing were along the lines of "I hate her but she's DAMN close," and I told them that I was and had been alone and it would be great if they could join me. Then I said, " I know FRED doesn't want to sit by me."
This is one of those things that just makes me cringe, high school self. It's one of those things that I completely forget happened, and then there it is, in your own handwriting, staring me in the face, making me remember that you were such an awkward, gawky little asshole, high school self.
They exchanged mumbles again and I somewhat gleefully realized that they WOULD be joining me.
And clearly, completely willingly! They were just thrilled!
Brendon sat right next to me -- our legs were touching -- and Fred sat a couple feet away and sprawled out on the sidewalk. Fred would ask questions every now and then ("What's that Adam guy's last name?" "Duritz." He asked that one twice).
Brendon talked to ME more than he did Fred. He mentioned how he had heard Adam Duritz was an "ass" (which ended up being the running joke of the night) and that he went out with Courtney Cox. Fred said, "Didn't she marry that one guy?" **Most of Fred's conversation was relegated to questions** I said "David Arquette?" but mentioned how girls always want to date rock stars. Brendon said to Fred, "Does your cousin get the ladies?" He grunted and I asked who his cousin was.
He was the drummer for a popular band. We certainly don't need any identifying information here, do we?! So then Laura shows up, right high school self? And you reveal that you were bummed you wouldn't be alone with the guys, cause um, you know, it was going so well or something. Pages pass, you give Laura some pictures, etc.
Okay, anyway, Brendon loves "She's All That"..they went to get drinks and Fred got like a "Powerific" bottle and the powerade didn't come out when he tipped it upside down but Brendon's DIDN'T have a cool cap. Of course, it was 50 cents less..Fred started listing off his scars -- ' This one's from hockey, this one's from soccer.' What he said that was REALLY funny was "they better not suck!" He said if they played "10 Spot" he'd be happy.
You know, I think you wrote about this, high school self, because it really showcased Fred's sense of humor and personality. Between the grunts and asking questions over and over again that any person with any sense of pop culture would have already grasped, I mean, the powerade bottle! Watch him move it upside down! That's so crazy! Oh, and his scars, and THEY BETTER NOT SUCK! So witty! Also, how did you not notice that he said he hoped they'd play AN ENTIRE LIVE ALBUM (which was called "Live at the 10 Spot")?
I asked Laura if she caught the replay of the World Cup on ESPN and she apparently caught on for my pathetic ploy for Fred's attention and asked him (after telling me she'd only seen highlights) if he was a big World Cup fan. He responded with something that included the word "suck" and we were both like, WHAT?! Then he bitched about how they had incorrectly done a throw in.
Right, that's what everyone was talking about after women's soccer won the world cup in 1999, the incorrect throw in. Why did you like this guy?! So anyways, you're telling me about the show, and then three pages later...
Adam Duritz came out to introduce the opening band and said that he just wanted to hear cheering now. Brendon was like, "You're an ASS!" and Fred said, "Jerk!" It was so funny! Ha ha. Fred took a pee during one of the opening bands.. hmmm.
Yes, hmm. OMG! He's so like us! He goes to the bathroom.
OH! During the opening band the singer mentioned "Have you ever had a crush on somebody and they don't like you but you'll do anything to get them?" and I just felt REALLY uncomfortable cause it's like, the answer is yes and he's sitting one seat over. Fred totally got into the show; he was just staring at them usually, but he WAS tapping his foot, clapping, and a lot of times he was the first of us to stand up. When the house lights shone on the balcony, he had his arms up. It made me smile.
The show ended on what I considered to be a rather negative note; Brendon said "Gimme My Glasses," they left, that was it. I don't know, it left me with a bad taste in my mouth..
I told Laura how symbolic it was (see! you know we were getting to this symbolism, future self!) that of the nails I'd been "farming" for the show (wow, what a gross term), two were broken at the end. When I got home I took all the polish off and cut them short. I feel like I don't know what I am anymore.
Dear high school self,
You'll never know what you are. But you won't be quite as fucking dramatic about in the future.
Love,
Beth
Friday, June 12, 2009
One for sorrow, two for joy.. three for girls, for for boys
6/5/99 Saturday
8:54 p.m Hmmm... I'm trying to give myself a reality check with this whole Counting Crows thing. So here are some of the worst scenarios/things that could go wrong:
1)Brendon's going out of town that weekend.
2)Brendon and Fred both come but are too preoccupied with some of their stupid pretty female friends.
3)Fred gets a girlfriend by then.
4)Fred gets a girlfriend by then AND she comes along.
5)Fred gets a girlfriend by then AND she comes along AND they make out the whole time.
6)BOTH Fred and Brendon get girlfriends by then and they're ALL making out with each other.
7)Brendon and/or Fred are under the influence of something.
Okay, that's enough of a reality check for me..but here's my "ideal evening"...we all go out to dinner together, we wait in line together, we sit together, I get to sit by Fred, the opening band doesn't suck, I'm not on my period, I'm not annoying at all and Fred tolerates me and even maybe begins to think of me in a positive light and everyone forgets that I'm in love with him, at least temporarily, and then afterwards we all eat somewhere together. THAT would be my ideal night.
I'm really not much different now, all my plans involve eating two meals that are barely two hours apart. Also, I was really obsessed with my period.
OH! and it would be nice if, by then, I've lost some weight and am finally wearing something cute and I finally have a flattering haircut. I must say that I have great expectations for this evening even though I probably shouldn't.. chances are we WON'T be sitting together and we WON'T eat together and Fred won't want to be anywhere near me.. but I can dream can't I?
We were perfect when we started, I've been wondering where we've gone...
Yesterday I felt like complete shit. I'm not really sure if all of this is going to help me get rid of my spare tire, help me lose 25 pounds and become a size 9/10, or most importantly make it so I stop breathing heavily when I just go up a flight of stairs, but it DOES make me feel like I'm actually doing something for once. I must admit that the idea of being a 9/10 gives me stars in my eyes, but I feel like an anorexic or something by saying that.. but I KNOW I'm not fat, I just need to tone up. And I think aspects of my personality need to "tone up" too...I'm telling you, my goal is to come back junior year a new person, inside and out. I don't know how likely that is, exactly, but I am certainly extremely motivated. And who knows, maybe junior year will finally be my first kiss.. it better be! I'll be fucking 17 years old by the end of it!
It's funny, high school self, because what a loser you were. I hate to break it to you, but you're first embarrassed by your grandmother, who says "Sweet 16 and never been kissed!" in front of one of your great aunts, and said great aunt doesn't believe it. Really?! A 16 year old who hasn't been kissed?! How outrageous!
You'll spend so much time and energy daydreaming about your first kiss, and this is how it will happen: with a nice enough guy who your friends think is kind of a douche, but not entirely; he will pull up a rolly chair next to you -- oh, I forgot to tell you, you will GRADUATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL and still have not have kissed anyone. I know, it's terrible, but don't worry, you'll kiss plenty of people eventually. So anyways, he'll pull up a rolly chair to you, tell you some story that's kind of nerdy and boring, and then say, "I bet you want to shut me up by shoving your tongue down my throat." And you'll kiss, just like that. And it will be weird. And one of your friends will pop in the room and throw a condom on the table and it will be so insanely awkward. But at least you've gotten it out of the way! And you only had to wait until age 18 and a 1/2 at that!
Really, though, he's a nice guy. As it turns out, he's in love with a girl that you later meet and think is awesome, and you'll feel rejected, but a few years later, he'll get a crush on you, and he's still a nice guy, but doesn't that feel good, to finally be the one with the upper hand?
8:54 p.m Hmmm... I'm trying to give myself a reality check with this whole Counting Crows thing. So here are some of the worst scenarios/things that could go wrong:
1)Brendon's going out of town that weekend.
2)Brendon and Fred both come but are too preoccupied with some of their stupid pretty female friends.
3)Fred gets a girlfriend by then.
4)Fred gets a girlfriend by then AND she comes along.
5)Fred gets a girlfriend by then AND she comes along AND they make out the whole time.
6)BOTH Fred and Brendon get girlfriends by then and they're ALL making out with each other.
7)Brendon and/or Fred are under the influence of something.
Okay, that's enough of a reality check for me..but here's my "ideal evening"...we all go out to dinner together, we wait in line together, we sit together, I get to sit by Fred, the opening band doesn't suck, I'm not on my period, I'm not annoying at all and Fred tolerates me and even maybe begins to think of me in a positive light and everyone forgets that I'm in love with him, at least temporarily, and then afterwards we all eat somewhere together. THAT would be my ideal night.
I'm really not much different now, all my plans involve eating two meals that are barely two hours apart. Also, I was really obsessed with my period.
OH! and it would be nice if, by then, I've lost some weight and am finally wearing something cute and I finally have a flattering haircut. I must say that I have great expectations for this evening even though I probably shouldn't.. chances are we WON'T be sitting together and we WON'T eat together and Fred won't want to be anywhere near me.. but I can dream can't I?
We were perfect when we started, I've been wondering where we've gone...
Yesterday I felt like complete shit. I'm not really sure if all of this is going to help me get rid of my spare tire, help me lose 25 pounds and become a size 9/10, or most importantly make it so I stop breathing heavily when I just go up a flight of stairs, but it DOES make me feel like I'm actually doing something for once. I must admit that the idea of being a 9/10 gives me stars in my eyes, but I feel like an anorexic or something by saying that.. but I KNOW I'm not fat, I just need to tone up. And I think aspects of my personality need to "tone up" too...I'm telling you, my goal is to come back junior year a new person, inside and out. I don't know how likely that is, exactly, but I am certainly extremely motivated. And who knows, maybe junior year will finally be my first kiss.. it better be! I'll be fucking 17 years old by the end of it!
It's funny, high school self, because what a loser you were. I hate to break it to you, but you're first embarrassed by your grandmother, who says "Sweet 16 and never been kissed!" in front of one of your great aunts, and said great aunt doesn't believe it. Really?! A 16 year old who hasn't been kissed?! How outrageous!
You'll spend so much time and energy daydreaming about your first kiss, and this is how it will happen: with a nice enough guy who your friends think is kind of a douche, but not entirely; he will pull up a rolly chair next to you -- oh, I forgot to tell you, you will GRADUATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL and still have not have kissed anyone. I know, it's terrible, but don't worry, you'll kiss plenty of people eventually. So anyways, he'll pull up a rolly chair to you, tell you some story that's kind of nerdy and boring, and then say, "I bet you want to shut me up by shoving your tongue down my throat." And you'll kiss, just like that. And it will be weird. And one of your friends will pop in the room and throw a condom on the table and it will be so insanely awkward. But at least you've gotten it out of the way! And you only had to wait until age 18 and a 1/2 at that!
Really, though, he's a nice guy. As it turns out, he's in love with a girl that you later meet and think is awesome, and you'll feel rejected, but a few years later, he'll get a crush on you, and he's still a nice guy, but doesn't that feel good, to finally be the one with the upper hand?
9/17/98 - 2 Lines
9/22/98-1 Line
9/24/98-4 Lines
9/27/98-2 Lines
9/30/98-5 Lines
*10/5/98-14 Lines
11/13/98 - 2 Lines
11/15/98 -2 Lines
11/17/98-10 Lines
11/18/98-2 Lines
11/20/98-4 Lines
11/21/98-2 Lines
11/23/98-1 Line
11/24/98- 1 Line
You get the basic idea.
Now, imagine that this repeats over and over, following near to this date pattern and frequency of line listings. Imagine that it takes up two columns on unlined paper, and that some entries look like this:
:) 1/27/99-11 Lines
And that some entries are circled and say things like this:
*3/17/99 - 82 Lines
And that the list continues until:
6/5/99-17 Lines
High School Self, how long did it take me to look at this piece of paper, carefully folded into Journal #75, and remember that each item (of approximately 250) referred to how many lines in a particular journal entry were devoted to Fred, and that the * meant that you had talked to him, and that the :) meant that you had talked to him and it was positive (there were only two of those), and imagine my horror when I got to the end of the list:
1,750 6.7%
Yes, high school self, you spent what was likely a number of hours to determine that you had written 1,750 lines in your notebooks about Fred, which was a total of 6.7% of actual journal real estate.
And I can gaurantee you that you looked at this piddly number the next day and said to yourself, I'm not obsessed with Fred! I only spend 6.7% of my ink writing about that guy! I'm pretty awesome!
Then maybe the next day, as you may remember doing, high school self, you stopped mentioning him at school and started keeping tick marks on your hand for every time someone ELSE brought it up, because after all, you weren't the one with the obsession!!
Good news, high school self. Now you fill sheets of unlined paper with crazy numbers and dates and symbols, but this time you're trying to arrange your finances and get yourself out of debt, so that makes it at least a little better. Right?
Love, Future Self
9/22/98-1 Line
9/24/98-4 Lines
9/27/98-2 Lines
9/30/98-5 Lines
*10/5/98-14 Lines
11/13/98 - 2 Lines
11/15/98 -2 Lines
11/17/98-10 Lines
11/18/98-2 Lines
11/20/98-4 Lines
11/21/98-2 Lines
11/23/98-1 Line
11/24/98- 1 Line
You get the basic idea.
Now, imagine that this repeats over and over, following near to this date pattern and frequency of line listings. Imagine that it takes up two columns on unlined paper, and that some entries look like this:
:) 1/27/99-11 Lines
And that some entries are circled and say things like this:
*3/17/99 - 82 Lines
And that the list continues until:
6/5/99-17 Lines
High School Self, how long did it take me to look at this piece of paper, carefully folded into Journal #75, and remember that each item (of approximately 250) referred to how many lines in a particular journal entry were devoted to Fred, and that the * meant that you had talked to him, and that the :) meant that you had talked to him and it was positive (there were only two of those), and imagine my horror when I got to the end of the list:
1,750 6.7%
Yes, high school self, you spent what was likely a number of hours to determine that you had written 1,750 lines in your notebooks about Fred, which was a total of 6.7% of actual journal real estate.
And I can gaurantee you that you looked at this piddly number the next day and said to yourself, I'm not obsessed with Fred! I only spend 6.7% of my ink writing about that guy! I'm pretty awesome!
Then maybe the next day, as you may remember doing, high school self, you stopped mentioning him at school and started keeping tick marks on your hand for every time someone ELSE brought it up, because after all, you weren't the one with the obsession!!
Good news, high school self. Now you fill sheets of unlined paper with crazy numbers and dates and symbols, but this time you're trying to arrange your finances and get yourself out of debt, so that makes it at least a little better. Right?
Love, Future Self
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
June 2, 1999
9:03 p.m. Yay, My period started. Party fun time. I attempted to lay off fat foods (hamburgers, cream cheese) and traded them in for also-fat-but-not-QUITE-as-bad dishes like crispy chicken and subs. Of course, just think if I get REALLY bad cramps tonight, I ultimately don't have to go to school tomorrow! But I hope I don't because I DO want to go to school tomorrow (and besides, cramps suck royally).
Hmm, so let's see...today...school..last real exam... not a whole lot to say. I got a picture of Brian* and Dave*, we watched "A Bug's Life," the class was over. I saw Brendon* and Fred* both for brief moments before 6th hour, and Fred passed me in the hall. I can't even remember what pants he was wearing! I think they were khakis, but that's what he was wearing YESTERDAY, so maybe I'm just confused, but hey, he DOES have the tendency to wear pants frequently, as in within a week.. I missed him on the way out, despite my leaving early, but I did catch Brendon waiting outside. I really hope Brendon decides to show up tomorrow, but I can certainly see it going either way. I mean, I didn't think he'd so much as be here TODAY, but hmmm...
After school, I went to Grandma's and then the library, where I discovered that the Verve Pipe is doing shows on JULY 30TH AND 31ST which are like only TWO DAYS before the MIPA conference! Oh well, I CAN'T WAIT THAT LONG!!! URGH! But I might be hanging out with Baron Stambula on Saturday, which should be pretty cool.. as long as my period isn't excessively heavy...
The backs of my calves are VERY sore. As in I can barely WALK sore.. hopefully they'll be morning .. watch. I'll wake up tomorrow morning feeling like absolute and total shit; I can feel it already...grunt. I STILL want to get a pic of Fred. I wrote "with" and I wonder if that was a Freudian slip...
Tomorrow is breakfast with the seminar gang as well as hanging w/ Lauren in the afternoon..but hopefully this workout thing will decrease my regular menstrual pain and help me with my period! If it doesn't I'll still have fucking sore legs eh? WHATEVER HAPPENED to my starburst?
****
Dear high school self,
Hey dumbass, fried chicken is probably worse for you than hamburgers.
Also, in the future you'll get on birth control and quit bitching so much about your periods. But it's okay, I don't trust anything that bleeds for 7 days and doesn't die.
With love,
Future self
Hmm, so let's see...today...school..last real exam... not a whole lot to say. I got a picture of Brian* and Dave*, we watched "A Bug's Life," the class was over. I saw Brendon* and Fred* both for brief moments before 6th hour, and Fred passed me in the hall. I can't even remember what pants he was wearing! I think they were khakis, but that's what he was wearing YESTERDAY, so maybe I'm just confused, but hey, he DOES have the tendency to wear pants frequently, as in within a week.. I missed him on the way out, despite my leaving early, but I did catch Brendon waiting outside. I really hope Brendon decides to show up tomorrow, but I can certainly see it going either way. I mean, I didn't think he'd so much as be here TODAY, but hmmm...
After school, I went to Grandma's and then the library, where I discovered that the Verve Pipe is doing shows on JULY 30TH AND 31ST which are like only TWO DAYS before the MIPA conference! Oh well, I CAN'T WAIT THAT LONG!!! URGH! But I might be hanging out with Baron Stambula on Saturday, which should be pretty cool.. as long as my period isn't excessively heavy...
The backs of my calves are VERY sore. As in I can barely WALK sore.. hopefully they'll be morning .. watch. I'll wake up tomorrow morning feeling like absolute and total shit; I can feel it already...grunt. I STILL want to get a pic of Fred. I wrote "with" and I wonder if that was a Freudian slip...
Tomorrow is breakfast with the seminar gang as well as hanging w/ Lauren in the afternoon..but hopefully this workout thing will decrease my regular menstrual pain and help me with my period! If it doesn't I'll still have fucking sore legs eh? WHATEVER HAPPENED to my starburst?
****
Dear high school self,
Hey dumbass, fried chicken is probably worse for you than hamburgers.
Also, in the future you'll get on birth control and quit bitching so much about your periods. But it's okay, I don't trust anything that bleeds for 7 days and doesn't die.
With love,
Future self
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